Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
