On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
