There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Randomize
