I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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