so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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