It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
