Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
