Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
