Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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