i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
