i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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