I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
