you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
