I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
smell my finger.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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