I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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