this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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