Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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