Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
