Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
