It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
