i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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