so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize