Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
