so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
