I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
