I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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