you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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