no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
