nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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