He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
