My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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