Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
