Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Randomize
