somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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