Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
