party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
