i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
