so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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