Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
