I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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