you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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