a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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