Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
