They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
