So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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