I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
