Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize