Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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