I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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