if you like me you must not know who I am
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We need to get me chipped asap
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
