shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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