I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
