Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
