I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
