he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
