I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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