Me. At least after what I've been through.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
