It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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