whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
